Our Manyfesto

What have the Romans ever done for us?

The aqueduct. Obviously.

And the roads.

But apart from the aqueduct and the roads?

Sanitation. Alright sanitation the aqueduct and the roads. And irrigation. Medicine. Education. Public order. Wine. Public baths. And its safe to walk the streets at night now.

But apart from the aqueduct, sanitation, the roads, irrigation, medicine, education, public order, wine, public baths, and public safety, WHAT have the Romans ever done for us?

We demand a full independent inquiry with the power to subpoena centurions.

Mandatory registration of all liberation movements. Any group not on the register is officially designated as splitters. We will chair the committee. Unity is strength, brothers.

It is an inalienable right. The fact that its not physically possible is besides the point. The motion passed 14-2. Francis abstained. He was having a lie down.

The current stoning system is frankly a shambles. Our proposals:

1. All stonings must be overseen by an independent regulator
2. Nobody is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even if they do say Jehovah
3. Stones must meet minimum quality standards. No gravel. This is a serious punishment not a lucky dip
4. A mandatory cooling off period of 48 hours between the offence and the commencement of proceedings
5. Women found attending in false beards will be asked to leave but not stoned because that would be hypocritical

These reforms are long overdue.

For too long shopkeepers in this country have been selling products that are clearly deceased and then claiming they are merely resting or pining for the fjords and this has to stop because a product that has ceased to be and expired and gone to meet its maker and is bereft of life and would be pushing up the daisies if it hadnt been nailed to the perch is NOT a product that is fit for sale under any reasonable interpretation of consumer law.

Full refund. No replacement parrot. We are not falling for that again.

The Department for Silly Walks was defunded in the austerity years and this country has been poorer for it. Literally and spiritually. Walk down any high street and what do you see? Normal walking. Boring, regular, uninspired walking. It is a national embarrassment.

We propose the re-establishment of a Ministry of Silly Walks with a ring-fenced annual budget of no less than £4.2 million. Grants will be available for developing new silly walks, and a national register will be maintained to prevent duplication.

Importantly, we must also ensure that Mr Pudeys walk receives the same level of funding as the walk being developed by the Anglo-French Silly Walk project (La Marche Futile), which has frankly been getting preferential treatment since day one despite the fact that the right leg isnt silly at all.

It is a fundamental British value to look at something perfectly adequate and declare it not good enough.

The bus came on time? Yes but it was a bit cold.
The NHS saved your life? Yes but the car park was expensive.
The sun is shining? Its going to rain later.

This cultural tradition is under threat from relentless positivity, imported mostly from American self-help books and LinkedIn posts.

We must protect the right to grumble.

Proposed legislation: every citizen shall have the protected right to complain about public services, the weather, other people's parking and the declining quality of Cadbury's chocolate (and the price of Freddos), without being told to "look on the bright side" or "be grateful."

The phrase "could be worse" shall be recognised as a constitutionally protected form of optimism.

Let us put this to bed once and for all. The Judean People's Front are SPLITTERS. They have always been splitters. Their newsletter is inferior. Their stoning procedures are amateur. Their position on aqueducts is frankly embarrassing.

We propose a formal parliamentary declaration, signed by every member of every legitimate liberation movement, confirming that the People's Front of Judea is the one true People's Front of Judea and that all other variations are splitters, sub-splitters, or in the case of the Judean Popular People's Front, that one bloke over there.

This resolution was passed unanimously at our last committee meeting, apart from Francis who was having a lie down and Reg who was chairing so did not vote. Motion carried.

Brothers. And sisters. And anyone else, we passed that motion at the last committee meeting.

Revolutionary action without committee approval is adventurism. Adventurism leads to splinter groups. Splinter groups lead to the People's Popular Front of Judea. And we know what THEY are.

We therefore propose the following. Before any revolutionary action is taken, the acting cadre must convene a full committee meeting of no less than four hours, with proper minutes, a properly circulated agenda, and — this is crucial — a motion to suspend standing orders if anyone tries to skip the apologies for absence. Any action taken without the correct paperwork will be retroactively designated as splitterism and the individuals involved will be struck off the membership register.

Objection has been raised that four hours is too long and that the revolution may be over before the committee has even reached item three on the agenda. This is not our problem. The revolution must wait for the committee. The committee cannot be rushed. This is what separates us from the Campaign for a Free Galilee, who hold their meetings in a shed and have never ratified a single motion in the correct order.

There will be biscuits. Francis is bringing the biscuits. Again.