National Pothole Act

Britain's roads have become so bad that Tony Robinson has been filmed retreiving a Saxon hoard from the middle of the A38.

It's time to stop treating our suspension like a piñata at a Year 6 disco.

1. The "Heritage Hole" Reclassification
Any crater deep enough to swallow a Nissan Micra will be legally designated a Local Lido or Valley of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

2. Mandatory Christening
Every hole must be formally named to aid Facebook group complaints. No more "the big one outside Greggs", it is now "The Widow Maker" or "The Chippenham Chasm".

3. OfPot: The New Sheriff in Town
A new regulator, OfPot, will be established. All inspectors must commute in a sagging 1975 Austin Allegro. If they survive, the road is considered satisfactory.

4. The Roundabout Qualification
Repair contracts go only to firms that can demonstrate the ability to fill a hole without five men watching a sixth man do it. Tarmac must be British-sourced, except in Surrey, where roads must be paved with crushed Italian marble.

5. Trial by Tarmac
Every Friday, the Prime Minister patches one hole live on The One Show. The public votes via an app.
Pass: a custard cream and the nation's grudging respect.
Fail: a commute to Parliament in a Reliant Robin with three flat tyres.

6. The Coning Act
No stretch of motorway may be coned off for longer than 72 hours without visible human activity. Contractors who leave four miles of empty cones on the M6 while awaiting a delivery of aggregate from Rotherham will be required to live inside the cones until the works are complete. Sandwiches will be provided.

7. The Water Company Infinite Loop
An automatic, exponentially compounding
Perpetual Idiot Tax will strike any water company digging up a road that was paved less than 48 hours prior. This continues until Thames Water is either solvent, nationalised or a literal pond.