Bring back common sense (we are not clear what this means but we are very sure about it)
Everyone agrees we need more common sense in this country. Nobody can define what that means exactly, but thats beside the point. You know it when you see it. And more importantly, you know when its missing.
Common sense says you shouldnt need a 40 page risk assessment to put up a shelf. Common sense says if a law doesnt make sense to someone in the pub, its probably a bad law. Common sense says things were better before, although when you press people on when "before" was, they get a bit vague and usually end up describing 1987.
We propose a Common Sense Test for all new legislation. If a bloke called Keith from Swindon reads it and says "thats obvious, innit" then it passes. If he furrows his brow and says "thats bollocks, that is" then its rejected. Keith has not been identified yet but we are confident he exists and will make himself known.
Sovereignty means being free to do things we have no intention of doing
We fought long and hard for the right to make our own decisions as a nation. And now that we have that right, we choose to... not change very much.
But the OPTION is there. Thats the point. We COULD change our lightbulb regulations if we wanted to. We COULD introduce blue passports made entirely of British leather. We COULD allow the sale of slightly wonky bananas. We are choosing not to, but the freedom to choose not to is the most important freedom of all.
Sovereignty is like a gym membership. The value is in having it, not in actually going. We are a sovereign nation with a full range of legislative equipment and we are content to sit in the cafe area drinking a protein shake and feeling good about ourselves.
Scrap all regulations and replace them with a strongly worded sign
Health and safety has gone mad. Not a bit mad. Completely mad. You cant climb a ladder without a certificate. You cant serve a scotch egg without a food hygiene inspection. You cant even have a bonfire without checking the wind direction and notifying seven different agencies.
Our proposal is simple. Replace all regulations with a sign that says "Use Your Common Sense And If It Goes Wrong Thats Your Problem." This sign will be displayed in every workplace, every school, every hospital, and every council office.
Will this lead to problems? Probably. But at least the problems will be our problems, caused by our decisions, rather than prevented by regulations written by people who have clearly never done a real days work in their life, by which we mean anyone who works in an office, despite the fact that we also work in an office.
Make the Channel Tunnel one-way on alternate days for fairness
The Channel Tunnel currently operates in both directions simultaneously, which seems unnecessarily European. A more sensible, more British approach would be to have it go one way on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and the other way on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sundays its closed for maintenance and reflection.
This would reduce confusion, improve sovereignty, and ensure that at any given time we know exactly which direction France is. The French have not been consulted on this proposal and we see no reason to start now.
Economists claim this would reduce cross-channel capacity by roughly 50%. We would argue that this is a feature, not a bug. A bit of scarcity builds character and ensures that only people with a genuine reason to visit France actually go. Day-trippers buying cheap wine in Calais are not, in our view, essential traffic.
Bring back proper imperial measurements in schools. The metric system was imposed on us by Brussels.
Pounds, ounces, yards, furlongs, gills, firkins and stones. Britain built an empire on these measurements. We went to the moon on these measurements. Actually the Americans did that, but they used inches, which we invented. Just saying.
The metric system was imposed on British schools by Brussels bureaucrats in the 1970s and our children have been confused ever since. Ask any child how many pounds in a stone and they will stare at you blankly. Ask them how many grams in a kilogram and they will answer correctly. This is not a coincidence. This is what Brussels wanted.
The Great British Common Sense Party proposes reinstating imperial measurements in all primary and secondary schools, as the primary system, with metric taught only as a foreign language. Our children deserve to know what a firkin is. You couldn't make it up.
Britain should reclaim sovereign control of its own weather. Enough is enough.
Last summer it was 34 degrees in Surrey. Thirty-four. In Surrey. I was born in 1962 and I can tell you categorically that this is not British weather. British weather is 19 degrees and overcast with the threat of a shower. British weather is exactly the sort of weather in which you can comfortably wear a light cardigan at all times. This is what the British people voted for.
Since we joined the Common Market in 1973 our weather has become increasingly continental. Hot summers. Mild winters. A suspicious absence of proper rain. I do not care what the scientists say — the timing speaks for itself. We outsourced our meteorology to Brussels and this is the result.
The Great British Common Sense Party therefore proposes the following. Firstly, Britain must formally withdraw from any international weather-sharing agreements, which I assume exist, because everything else is a treaty these days. Secondly, the Met Office is to be renamed The Ministry of British Weather and given a statutory duty to deliver only traditional weather patterns — drizzle in summer, frost at christmas, a light mist on a tuesday. Thirdly, any day in which the temperature exceeds 27 degrees must be accompanied by a formal apology from the Prime Minister to the British people.
Some will say this is not how meteorology works. To those people I say: it wasn't how sovereignty worked either, until we voted for it.
My dad fought in the war so that I could complain about the temperature in the garden. I am honouring his memory. You couldn't make it up. I have.
What do you think?
Vote on individual policies, adapt them, or write your own alternative. Good ideas should be tested.